Under the silvery streak..

Posted on by sana_mishra1

The dark canopy above her seemed seamless.. The tiny shimmering entities, that embellished it, winked at her.. She smiled.. The invigorating smell of coffee filling her nostrils took over her senses bringing her back to her present day indulgence.. She took another sip..
It was 2 am.. She was wide awake.. Sleep was nowhere near her ‘should be drooping by now’ eyes.. So she just made herself some of her survival juice, walked out of her lifeless room down to the lawn and  nestled down on a bench as deserted as the other benches on that calm and quiescent night.. So there she was under the dark ceaseless firmament, with her uplifting mug of dark brown liquid in her hand, all by herself – serene and stoical.
She took her last sip, kept down the mug and wondered how to spend those undisturbed hours till daylight breaks in..The bench wasn’t that intriguing anymore..She didn’t want to be seated on that grim surface for any longer..But then she didn’t want to go inside either..Then the luxuriant bed of lush life below looked up at her invitingly.. She instantly removed her comfortable pair of moccasins..The turf beneath tickled her uncladed feet.. She smiled again..She lay down there placing her right hand below her head, making a pillow out of it.. She thought to herself how she always used to dream of this little ‘me time’ under the silvery streak of light, lying on the tickly greeny bed all by herself with no worries of the real world- Just she and her fantasized peaceful time..But alas!! She finally got it all, except for her most awaited peace.. Memories kept haunting her all the time.. Random thoughts about her ‘could haves’ , ‘should haves’ and ‘would bes’ crossed her mind every millisecond.. Her body laid composed..But actions and words in her mind couldn’t be put to a hault.. Uncountable thoughts raced up and down in her mind at an abnormal pace.. Her brain was restless.. She sighed..
Her mind raced back to the days when she and her special friend had sat down on a similar bench, at a small park and had talked about lying down under the unending blanket of dazzling little things, some day, and plan about the future – together..That some day came.. And there she was, lying down, all alone, with the unending blanket all to herself..
She remembered how her best friends, for whom she could die for, had put all the blame on her for something she had never done, just to save themselves.. She still remembered how even her own mother had believed the fact that she could do something as humiliating as that..How her own family had lived with that belief for nearly two months..But she hadn’t uttered a single word in her defense..She was too shattered by the betrayal of her friends to speak up..She was in denial; until one day those so-called friends called her up and tried to give an explanation for their shrewd act.. And how she made her mother listen to each and every word they said.. And how that had made her mother cry and hug her, making her regret the fact that she didn’t trust her own child..
She spanked herself mentally..’Why couldn’t she stand up for herself at the first place? Why did the betrayal mean so much more than her own self respect?’ She knew anyone else in her place would have simply stood her ground no matter whoever it was that had let her down..They were just her friends..Then why was it such a big deal for her?
The day she saw those ‘not at all’ guilty eyes of that special friend, even after cheating on her, she could have slapped the person right across the face..Anyone would have done that..But she couldn’t.. She couldn’t move.. She had gone numb..She could barely stand..
Then again she was not just ‘anyone’..She was herself.. The ‘self’ that just keeps the people she loves prior to herself..The ‘self’, that loves selflessly..The ‘self’ that is brutally honest with the people she loves..The ‘self’ that can go beyond measures to make sure her beloved ones are out of all remorse..The ‘self’, that knows only sincere love..
And so she expected sincerity from others too.. She never knew she had to learn the hard way that everyone cannot be trusted..Everyone cannot be ‘her’..
But looking on the positive side – She was out of her la-la land of ‘all good n glittery’, and had entered the real world where all kinds of people existed..But she had learnt by then whom to open the doors to and whom to shut out forever..She had learnt where to draw the line and how to balance each relationship.. Maybe a few things had turned for the worse for a phase of life..But those worse things had led her to become the stronger mature person she was now ; which was utterly required..
Her mind trailed back to her present life..People thought she had a perfect life – A great professional career, a loving family, good friends – what else can anyone need after all?? She let out a sigh.. Is this the life she wanted at all?Did she ever dream of a life like this? She was a wanderer at heart..Did she ever want to be caged by a life that didn’t let her fly; that rooted her to a bounded place? People saw the beautiful cage..Noone saw how she had to fight each day with her heart to make it believe that she will fly one day and keep it grounded tilll then.. Human nature – no matter what we go through, we slowly find a point or two to accept that phase positively and adapt to it.. So though she wanted to break open the cage and fly away, she stayed.. She stayed coz she reminded herself why she had entered it at the first place; to see a smile on each face in her family..To see those brightly enlightened eyes filled with content that their child had lived up to their expectations.. She was living their dream only until she fulfils it and moves on to her own dream..That hope kept her going..
She took out her phone to see her family pictures..She saw the pale skin of her mother that showed the struggle she underwent in raising her child into a good human being ..But that smile intact on her lips showed that she was successful in doing so.. Those dull and fading eyes of her father showed how many sleepless nights he had spent to make sure his little girl was safe and comfy.. But that smile of satisfaction on his lips portrayed his confidence that his little girl can now take care of herself.. She saw those wrinkly hands of her grandma that reminded her of how many lunchboxes she had prepared for her back in her schooldays so her granddaughter never went hungry at school..How many times those hands had sewn beautiful attires for her.. Her grandma’s pure affection showed in those ‘now – wrinkly’ hands.. The memories made her smile a little.. She looked at her grandpa’s picture.. Those enlightened eyes, those lips that uttered wise words whenever they parted, were all ashes now..A pearly droplet trickled down her cheeks and she looked up above into the gloomy boundless space hoping to see a hand waving amongst the twinkles.. She said out loud into the hollowness up above, ‘I miss you grandpa’ , hoping that maybe he could hear her atleast..
She again thought to herself, why was ni so sensitive? Why did she feel everything so very deeply? Why could the littlest of things make her cry? Why did a slight change in the behaviour of certain people affect her? She had no answers..She just knew facts.. A few said change it; stop being so sensitive.. But could she? If she could, wouldn’t she have changed it by now?Every word, every action went straight to her heart.. Whom does it affect after all..?? It was in her nature..It was a part of her..She could never throw that out.. She had to live with it.. All she wanted was those few people to accept her as she was..And maybe put up with her even when she was extremely sensitive and resentful; coz she did..She put up with them in all their moody days and even when they were most unlovable.. Coz that is when a person needs love the most..  All she needed was reassurance every now and then that she was loved, and she always will be..Its the people, who broke open her heart and left her behind with the broken pieces, that had made her resentful.. She was still joining back those broken pieces..And those little creeks left in her heart made way for the littlest of insincerity that came her way, straight into the heart..
A few said she was childish to be so sensitive.. Well, they forgot she was a taurean.. Taureans are the old souls trapped in an young body.. She was always known for being way matured than her age.. Maybe she acted childish infront of a few..But that was because she trusted them, coz she could be anything in front of them without being judged..Maybe she depended on a few sometime or the other.. But not because she couldn’t do that by herself or she couldn’t decide for herself.. She just loved involving people important to her in her smallest of decisions..She felt pampered that way..She felt secured when someone did things for her.. She never needed people in her life; she always wanted them..So if they walked out, she might be left shattered, but she would survive..
She gazed blankly into the unenclosed expanse above her..She wondered if she could ever share these thoughts with anyone..She wondered if anyone would ever understand.. She wondered if she could share these with her family.. But again they would just advise her to filter out her thoughts and focus on the positive attributes..Well that’s no help..If she could do that, she would have done it long back..She too knew there was no filter to her thoughts..
She wondered if she could share these with her friends.. But again why would anyone care? Even if someone did, all they would say was that she was over thinking and that was something she needed to stop.. Well, that’s no help either..Coz its not in her hands again so as what thoughts to accept and which ones to discard..Her mind just won’t stop..She was helpless..She kept wondering why were things as such..She wanted things to change.. She couldn’t settle it with her brain..
The first light started creeping in slowly..Her gaze into the open was constant..She was lost.. She badly needed an outlet… An outlet to her endless thought process..An outlet to verbalize her emotions..But she couldn’t find any.. Then suddenly something struck her..
Maybe she knew what she should do..Maybe she had found the reason..The reason she always felt everything so very deeply.. The reason she noticed simply everything.. The reason she could never forget anything someone ever did or said..The reason her scars were as fresh today as they were when she got them at the first place..The dazzling entities up above winked at her again before they slowly faded away into the aurora.. She winked back..Maybe she had finally found her outlet..Her eyes sparkled with rays of hope..
She got up, sneaked into her moccasins and ran back straight to her room.. She didn’t have to think twice before pouring out her thoughts this time..She was unstoppable now.. She took out her diary and her pen..She opened a fresh page and put her soul into the pen and paper.. Her pen started jotting down the words, “The dark canopy above her seemed seamless…….”